PRC Parent Connection

Being Prepared to Talk About Sex

2010-01-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: How can I be better prepared for my child’s questions about sex?

ANSWER: In Becoming An Askable Parent, the American Social Health Association offers the following guidelines in responding to your child’s sexuality questions:

- First, make sure you know what your child is asking. Ask your child, “Do you mean…?” or “Do you want to know about…?”

- Second, discover why your child is asking. Is your child trying to check a fact, make sure he or she is normal, test your knowledge, explore his or her own values, or satisfy curiosity?

- Third, respond immediately to your child’s question, even if only briefly. You can always resume the discussion later when you have collected your thoughts or when you have more privacy.

- Fourth, be sensitive to your expressions and gestures. How we answer a question is sexuality education, too. A smile can make a major difference in how information is remembered.

- Fifth, take the initiative, if necessary. If, by age six, your child isn’t asking questions, it’s up to you to find moments to begin talking about age-appropriate sexuality issues.

Stages of sexual development result in expected behaviors and kinds of questions.

- Three year olds often touch their genitals because is feels good and it reduces anxiety. This is the time to begin talking about public versus private behaviors.

- Four to eight year olds engage in non-sexual childhood “sex play” such as “doctor and nurse” or “let’s play house” games.” They learn sex words, but usually don’t know their meanings. They learn a sense of modesty and/or shame. They tend to be interested in reproduction, pregnancy and birth.

- As children get older, they want to know what words mean and to see their parent’s reaction. A nine year old asks, “What’s a prostitute?” He may have heard the word from friends or during a television program. You want to answer the question, but you also want your child to know what you think of prostitution. It helps to begin with the facts. “A prostitute is a person who is willing to have sex in exchange for money. This is not legal in most of our country, but it happens anyway. Now I want to tell you what I think of prostitution….”

Remember, if children don’t learn about sexuality from their parents, they will learn about it elsewhere and the information may be incorrect and confusing and it may not agree with parental values.

If you would like to talk about raising children, call the free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-0528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

When Is Enough Enough?

2009-11-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

QUESTION: How do we get the message to our children that “enough is enough?”

ANSWER: Thankfully, the most important things for children, which are nurturing and structure, do not depend on finances. How we save, how we spend and how we share, however, definitely communicates our values to our children. I suppose we all have family memories about money. I consider myself very fortunate: my parents were generous with me. However, my “receiving” was usually preceded by a discussion on “wants versus needs” or a lesson in options. My mother, for instance, ushered me into the teen years of clothes buying by outlining two approaches to shopping. I had a limited amount of dollars. I could choose to purchase one more expensive brand name outfit and wear it more often or I could choose to purchase less expensive clothes and have more variety. My mom and I also had a close relationship with the “alteration lady.” Most of my outfits were let out at the seams so I could wear them another year. I also remember the boxes of gently worn clothes that came periodically from friends “out east” who had a little more money then we did and daughters a little older than myself. It was my dad who always put quite a bit of time between my asking and my receiving. He was the one who also made sure than when I started earning my own money as a teenager that a tenth went to the church and something went into the savings account.

The concept of “enough” isn’t only about money, of course. I like the story of the blessing “I love you and I wish you enough.” According to the family story, “I wish you enough” was said when one person wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them. The entire blessing is as follows:

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”

Personally, there is my favorite fortune cookie proverb: “He who knows he has enough is rich.”

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9528. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

In Their Best Interests

2009-11-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: If you were to identify the things that adults do that are in the best interests of their children, what would they be?

ANSWER: Children thrive when the life-styles of the adults around them are positive and energizing. If you’re doing these eight things, the kids in your life are on solid ground:

When you gather together with friends and family, to eat or socialize, talk about the things you are grateful for: family milestones, supportive friends, successful accomplishments at work, opportunities to learn something new, problems that have been solved.

Think about the world beyond your home and workplace. Be aware of your own strengths, talents, skills and advantages and spend some time sharing yourself with others.

Minimize your financial worries by living within your means. Make choices that challenge impulsive buying and immediate gratification. Learn to plan ahead and celebrate a bargain. If you have a surplus, give some of it away. (He who knows he has enough is rich.)

Share experiences, not just things. Remember that gifts are no substitute for relationship.

Enjoy small pleasures. An agony of those who are addicted is the inability to enjoy the repeated small pleasures and rewards of normal living.

Avoid unnecessary competition. Value the process as much as the product. Cooperate with other people. Expanding your range and increasing your depth may be more valuable than reaching the top.

Consider your priorities. Contemplate what you want to accomplish over your lifetime as well as what you need to do in the next few weeks. Think of your calendar as representing your life, not just your obligations.

Focus on something spiritual everyday. Internal strength and emotional stability come from spiritual wisdom, not physical activity or a high I.Q.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

2009-08-20T19:53:00.001-07:00

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: Which is harder, the first months of kindergarten or the first months of college?

ANSWER: Fall is an exciting season for families. Kids of all ages are navigating the challenges of new starts: pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, high school and college. Interestingly, these cycles point up the truth that we don’t “grow up” in a straight line. Instead, our development as human beings is more like a spiral: we repeat similar experiences, each time with more understanding and skills.

Pre-school years (3-5 years of age) are crucial years of development both emotionally and intellectually for children. Two significant developmental tasks of these years go together: a child must begin to learn to separate from her parents and begin to learn give-and-take relationships with peers.

When a child is two years old, she is still very dependent on her parents. She circles around them the way a planet circles around the sun. By the time a child is three, however, the situation is changing. A child is now ready to begin to separate and have some experiences off on her own.

A pre-schooler is ready to spend more time playing with other children and learning to get along with kids her own age. She knows her parents accept her just as she is, simply because she is their daughter, but she soon perceives that boys and girls she meets are a different story. They do not give her an unqualified stamp of approval. At times, they even reject her.

So the preschooler begins to learn that the world of peers is different from home. It is a new world, with new rules and new demands. In this new world, the child learns a whole new set of socialization skills that she learns more effectively beyond the family circle. She learns how to wait her turn, how to stand up for her rights, how to share, how to put her feelings into words, how to develop self-confidence in handling other children. These are human relations skills she will use throughout life.

It isn’t difficult to see that the family separation and social interaction process goes on throughout school years and right into the workplace. The important thing for parents and grandparents to remember is that home and family is the place to venture forth from and come back to for affirmation, comfort and security. It is important to both hold our children close and to let them go. We start when they are little and keep practicing.

If you would like to talk about raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

2009-08-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: I need some help in how to deal with my children positively over the summertime conflicts that are occurring in our household.

ANSWER: An important parenting skill to encourage or discourage specific behaviors involves modifying the environment. A child’s environment can be modified by adding to it, limiting it, or changing things around. Here are some examples:·

Add to your children’s environment by enrichment – introducing materials or activities that engage your children’s interest: provide a new book or demonstrate a new use of an old toy.·

Add to your children’s environment by enlargement – broaden the areas in which your children may play: going to the backyard or taking a trip to the park.·

Limit your children’s environment by reducing a stimulus activity or removing a physical stimulus: no rough housing, removing crayons or turning off the TV.·

Limit your children’s environment by restricting certain activities to certain areas: riding the tricyle only in the basement or using play dough only at the kitchen table.·

Limit your children’s environment by simplifying - making it easier for your children to function independently and effectively: put a step stool in the kitchen, use a plate with a rim or hang a low towel rack.·

Change your children’s environment by rearranging, displaying or storing items in your home to encourage or discourage certain behavior: store poisons up high, put toys on low shelves for easy access, or have a coat rack by the door.

These concepts can also be adapted for older children. Think creatively with your spouse or grandparent or another parent. What new activity or craft project could you teach your children this summer? Where could you go visit or explore for the first time? Are there periods of time during the summer hours that the TV needs to be off? How about being sure that the refrigerator and cupboards are stocked with healthy choices: fruits and prepared vegetables, mixed nuts, peanut butter and crackers, pudding cups and cheese slices? Then, a final reminder: adult monitoring and friendly involvement is the best way to modify a child’s behavior. We need to be alert in verbally affirming behavior we want to encourage and quick to interrupt behavior we find potentially distressing or dangerous, staying firm and calm ourselves.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-4343-9528. For free emergency child care, call the Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Why Have Television and Music Become So Violent?

2009-08-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: I’ve heard that whoever tells the stories defines the culture. It’s obvious that television and music are today’s storytellers in America. Why, though, have television and music become so violent?

ANSWER: While the important role of storytelling has remained constant for thousands of years, a monumental change has happened in the past 60 years. Since World War II, America has delegated the major share of storytelling to the mass media.

I am very impressed with David Walsh, President of the National Institute on Media and the Family. Walsh points out that while the goals of former storytellers were entertainment, education or inspiration, the primary goal of most mass media storytelling is to “deliver eyeballs to advertisers.” Much of mass media storytelling is now done to sell things.

That shift in purpose is a crucial one. It means that the purpose of the story is to get and hold our attention long enough for the advertisers to get their message in front of us. One of the things that reliably get people’s attention is violence; so do sex and humor. Therefore, we now have media messages that are designed to make us laugh at violence and sex. Many kids today spend hours and hours listening or looking at media messages that are full of vulgarity, degrade women and encourage the listener or viewer to blast people with guns.

The reshaping of our cultural norms is the real effect of the steady diet of violence and sex in movies, video games, song lyrics and television programs. The real harm done by the constant river of violent media is that it has created and nourished a culture of disrespect. For every kid who picks up a gun to shoot another kid, there are thousands who are not picking up guns. But, they are calling each other names, swearing, pushing, shoving and hitting with increasing frequency. The storytellers have redefined how we’re supposed to be treating one another. We’ve gone from “have a nice day,” to “make my day.”

This generation of children is exposed to more stories, more powerfully presented, than any in history. Some are good. Too many are not. We, as adults, have to make intentional decisions to reduce the viewing and listening to violent, sexual media stories. It is our responsibility to monitor our children’s viewing and listening choices, and our own.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Need Some Postitive Motivators?

2009-08-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: I am feeling depressed and pessimistic. I need some positive motivators!

ANSWER: Here are some positive thoughts. Focus on one a day for three weeks and see if life feels more productive.

· You may not feel powerful, but your smile can change someone’s day. Use your power.
· Actions speak louder than words. Say thank you and cooperate! Others will help you, too.
· Be an encourager. Tell some one else you like what he said or did. You’ll make his day.
· Turn lemons into lemonade. Say “I’m really sorry that happened” and change a problem into an opportunity.
· Ask 3 questions this week and really listen to the answers. You are smart and getting smarter every week.
· When you think of something nice to say, don’t hesitate to say it. You can make your world a friendlier place.
· Improving is better than perfection. Put you energy into trying and others will be pleased.
· Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for a friend is listening. You don’t have to have all the answers.
· If it hasn’t happened yet, it may not be the right time. There are good things coming.
· There are all kinds of birds and all kinds of songs. You are unique and special. Share what you are thinking.
· A good friend notices when someone else does well. Congratulate someone this week for doing well.
· Kind words and kind actions do not go unnoticed.
· When you know the right thing to do, do it right away!
· Lots of people like you and someone important to you is thinking about you right now.
· Forget about yesterday’s mistakes. Plan good things for today and tomorrow.
· Whatever you plant today, you will harvest a few months from now. Your good choices this week will pay off in the near future.
· Telling the truth is easier that living a lie. Do things this week that you’re happy to talk about.
· It doesn’t matter how high or wide the wall, if there is a door. You are a good problem solver. Think about finding the door through the next challenge you face.
· You have skills and talents. This week you will have a chance to show someone else how to do what you have already learned to do.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care, call the Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Prescription Medications and My Teen

2009-04-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

ASK MARYANNE

Question: As a parent, how do you get your child to take their prescription medication when they refuse? I want to allow my teenager to have a choice, but her choice is affecting the whole family as her anger comes out.

Response: While giving choices is a good parenting goal, health and safety are parenting priorities that require us to use our authority. The "bottom line" non-negotiable is that your teen must take his or her prescribed medication. The choice might be under whose supervision: a parent or the school nurse, for instance? Is the time of day or with certain food options a possible area for choice? I'm speculating that your teen does not like the side effect he/she experiences with the medication. A discussion with your teen and the teen's physician is important, so that your teen is able to verbalize his/her frustrations to the experienced professional who is potentially able to adjust dosages. In talking with your teen, you may want to say, "I understand that if you could have it your way, you would not take this medication. However, until you are an adult and paying for your own expenses, I am responsible for your health and safety. You are important to me and I will keep struggling with you about this because I want you physically and emotionally healthy." If you are interested in talking with another parent who has "walked this journey," please call the Parent WarmLine: 1-888-584-2204 and ask about Parent2Parent. Remember, brain development research shows that while we are intelligent when we are teenagers, our decision-making abilities are not fully matured until we are in our mid-twenties.

Brain Development

2009-03-31T14:32:00.000-07:00

ASK MARYANNE
Maryanne is the Executive Director at the Parenting Resource Center

QUESTION: What is really important for parents to know about how human behavior is influenced by the chemicals in the brain?

ANSWER: Having a clearer understanding of brain development and brain chemistry can really help us parent more effectively. For instance, the amygdala is the portion of the brain that stores emotional memories like a file. It stores memories based on the type of memory, perhaps happy or sad. When one is sad, often sad memories are brought forth from the “memory file.” These are emotional memories. An intervention, diversion or distraction can break the mental process and change the emotional memories.

Here is a brain chemistry fact that, when understood, can help all relationships. Rage is an emotional memory that is reflected in the amygdala. If a person becomes enraged, the amygdala stays enraged for 20 minutes. If a person becomes enraged a second time, then it takes an hour to calm down. If a further rage occurs, it takes 24 hours to calm down. The practical application is recognizing the value of having a “cooling off” period from a heated argument – and to make that “cooling off” time at least 20 minutes. If we allow another person to walk away and let him, or her, have that needed space, we can re-group and re-connect within 30 minutes. If a person who is distressed is emotionally “pushed,” it’ll take an hour longer to restore an emotional balance. If an emotional battle has re-triggered three times, it is going to take an entire day before a person will be willing or able to normalize the relationship again. So, time outs can be extremely valuable for all of us, especially when they are recognized not as punishments, but as needed time for our brain chemistry to re-balance.

Another valuable understanding is that self-control/impulse control is located in a different part of the brain than motor control. Doing something and stopping from doing something are two different things. Impulse control can be developed, however, by practicing waiting. Adults can encourage impulse control in their children by practicing taking turns in activities. Experiencing waiting before receiving or doing – called delayed gratification – is one of life’s important challenges. So, we might take a more positive look at all the ways we practice “waiting” in life – raising our hand before we ask a question, taking our turns at a stoplight, standing in line at the grocery store, counting the days until Christmas, and not driving a car until we’re 16.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine:1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo: 877-434- 9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Relieving Stress

2009-02-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

ASK MARYANNE

Maryanne is the Executive Director at the Parenting Resource Center

QUESTION: I love my children, but I can get so tense when all of them are home together. Remind me, please, how to relieve some of the stress that comes with family life.

ANSWER: Even in the best of circumstances, family togetherness can be a “mixed bag.” Being everyone’s mom or dad isn’t always easy. Here are a few ideas for creating peace when you’re under pressure.

Escape for awhile. Tell your family you are taking a “time out.” Take a walk, listen to music, call a friend, take a nap, read a magazine.

Take action. Exercise causes our bodies to manufacture and release endorphins into our blood stream that actually makes us feel better.

Eat well. Sugar highs and lows, crabbiness from not enough water, sluggishness from a lack of protein or iron, depression because of too much alcohol can make problems seem even worse than they are. Eat a healthy diet to maintain your energy all day and to fight off disease and infection.

Be realistic. Stop for a minute, take a deep breath and look at the situation again. How bad is it really? Will you even remember this in a year?

Make a change. Even small changes can relieve stress and help us see things from a different perspective. Perhaps gathering the family together around breakfast or dessert or popcorn is a better idea than trying to get them all together at a dinner table.

Ease up. Go easy with criticism of yourself and others. Let go of the idea that things need to go exactly as you planned. Remember: life is what happens to us while we are planning our future.

Keep it simple. Take one thing at a time. Break big challenges or chores down to smaller steps.

Laugh. Share the stories of past challenges you survived that now cause both a groan and a chuckle.

Play. Play is good for our bodies, our brains and our attitudes. Play with your friends, play on your own and especially, take time to play with your children. How long has it been since you’ve played jacks, or pick up sticks, or colored in a coloring book, or put together a puzzle or played the piano or read your favorite childhood books?

Remember what you love. Close your eyes and see the things of the past that still belong to you. I can see myself as a little girl standing on my dad’s shoes as we waltzed around the room. What do you see?

If you would like to talk about raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-0528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out http://www.familiesandcommunities.org/

Aging Parents

2009-01-28T07:55:00.001-08:00

Ask Maryanne

Maryanne Law is the Parenting Resource Center's Executive Director

QUESTION: My children are becoming more independent and needing me less and my parents are becoming more dependent and needing me more and more. I am treating my children more like adults; I don’t want to treat my parents like children. Do you have any helpful insights?

ANSWER: There is a lot said about parents as role models. It is true; parents teach first. I have clear memories of my parents relating to my grandparents, giving them more and more attention and care as they grew older, which covered a lot of years, since my grandmothers lived to be 86 and 98 and my step-grandfather lived to be 99.

My parents honored my grandparents as they became less independent by being verbally respectful to them and about them. I knew that part of our family income went into making sure their needs were met. I listened to my mother, especially, talk with them about the details of their lives, showing genuine interest, and I listened throughout my teen years as she shared the details of my grandparents’ childhood, their adolescence, their marriages, their parenting and their careers. When my parents were challenged with the progressive weakening of their own bodies from rheumatoid arthritis and congestive heart failure, it became my brother’s and my turn to give them more attention and care. I was grateful that they had taught their children well. We knew to talk about the past and ask for lots of details, including a request that my mom journal her life history for us, which she graciously did, as a gift for her grandchildren.

Long life includes coping with the limitations of aging as another stage of development. If we are helpful, supportive adult children, we will work at accepting our parents’ need for help without treating them as children, either in action or in tone of voice. For example, we can ask to help with a particular task, such as shopping or cooking, to lessen the impression that we are trying to take over. Respect shown among family members, for any reason, strengthens the whole family.

I appreciate the attitude of a friend who works as a nurse in a residence for the elderly. She has shared her response to men and women who are saddened at feeling like they are becoming a burden because they need so much care. “Oh, no, you mustn’t think that way,” my friend tells them. “We younger people need to have the experience of helping you. You are very important. It is one way we learn to be compassionate.”

For support call the Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out http://www.familiesandcommunities.org/

Letting Go-Stages of Grief

2009-01-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

ASK MARYANNE
Maryanne is the Executive Director of the Parenting Resource Center

QUESTION: Would you explain how the five stages of grief are survival tools?

ANSWER: With his permission, I am sharing the insights of Mitch Carmody, bereavement counselor and writer for the quarterly Minnesota Sudden Infant Death Center newsletter(http://www.heartlightstudios.net/).

First of all, the five stages of grief don’t happen in any order but rather can sweep over us all together, separately, or in any combination for many years. Shock gets us through the impossible. Denial holds back reality so we can return to society and function somewhat. Anger jumps in and out at random and usually catches us off guard or comes when we are going into or out of depression. Bargaining is a total mind game we play with ourselves, a seemingly never-ending internal dialogue of “if this…then…” that yields us no answer but gets us through another day. Acceptance is the stage of grief that is reflected in the phrases “letting go, moving on, getting on with our life and finding closure.” It is very, very important to understand that in eventual healing from the immense loss in our life, we find closure with the other stages of grief, but not closure with the person or situation that has been so valuable to us.

We usually come to closure with Shock first. As a survival tool that is temporary by nature; Shock finds closure on it own and we are no longer numb. It is then that we truly feel the pain.

We experience Denial when we know for certain that our loss is real. We know this is not a dream. The valuable person or situation is not coming back. We begin to live the pain. Eventually we find closure in Bargaining because it is a mind game and simply doesn’t work. That leaves us with Acceptance. We accept the pain. We accept our “new normal.” In the case of the grief from death, we also accept that dead is not gone. We do not let go of the person we love, but we learn to live with the separation from our loved one.

We “get on with life” without the physical presence of that loved person. We “let go” of illusions about what could have been. We “find closure” in what we cannot change and we “move on” with our new future as best we can. We are now our parent’s, or spouse’s, or child’s or friend’s legacy. We substantiate their life by the way we live ours. It is in this letting go that we are free to hold on.

For support, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. (Llame gratis a la Línea de Apoyo y Comprensión Paterna al – 1-877-434-9528). Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

An Opportunity to Help

2009-01-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ask Maryanne
Maryanne is the Executive Director of the Parenting Resource Center

QUESTION: I’m looking for a new experience and I really enjoy children? Any suggestions?

ANSWER: I’m so glad you asked! Crisis Nursery needs volunteers who are willing to provide short-term emergency child care, whether you’re available during the day, evenings or weekends. Last year Crisis Nursery provided emergency care for 210 children, infants through 12 year olds, which was a 115% increase in one year. A small financial stipend is given per child to emergency care providers. Crisis Nursery staff stays in regular contact with Care Homes during the Crisis Nursery placement. There is rarely a problem; however, in the instances when questions arise or added support is needed, Crisis Nursery help is just a phone call away at any time.

Crisis Nursery supports families and keeps children safe when parents without available support systems and/or financial resources are in challenging circumstances. All requests for emergency child care are voluntary, and parents are grateful for the help. Typical reasons for using Crisis Nursery often relate to physical health problems, which might be pregnancy complications, cancer treatment recovery time and emergency hospitalizations; sometimes mental health problems of parents mean children need some special care. Other reasons parents might need support include circumstances such as accidents, fire or flood damage, the lack of parenting support due to military deployment, extreme stress or exhaustion, domestic conflict, homelessness, unexpected lack of child care or transitioning to employment. Crisis Nursery volunteers prevent a family problem from becoming a child’s problem. These are not troubled children; however, their parents are coping with difficult challenges.

We are so thankful for our 22 current Crisis Nursery Care Homes/providers, thirteen in Mower County and 9 in Freeborn County and we need to add to their number. Perhaps your children are now adults and your grandchildren don’t live close by. Being able to have children in your home again for a few hours or even overnight might feel great, and their parents will be so relieved to know their children are in your care. We have whole families who benefit from volunteering as a Crisis Nursery Care Home. The kids like having a “guest” in their home and Care Home parents like it that their children learn to share their time and toys in a way that’s easy and helpful.

Crisis Nursery is a United Way supported program. While Crisis Nursery benefits from United Way funding, volunteering time and caring is an important way to be generous and can make a significant difference in the stability of families and the security of children.

If you would like to talk about becoming a Crisis Nursery Care Home, please call the Parenting Resource Center (507-437-8330) or the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204.

www.familiesandcommunities.org

Gift Giving

2008-12-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

ASK MARYANNE

Maryanne Law is the

Executive Director of the

Parenting Resource Center

QUESTION: It's the gift-giving season again any my children are more focused on getting than giving, which really disturbs me. How do I influence them to be generous, without a lot of lecturing?

ANSWER: Actually, I think about this a lot because we are a culture where love is often symbolized by the things we get. I also grew up with one parent who was very generous with gifts and one who, also generous, felt the need to balance that generosity with stern lectures about extravagance and others' needs before we received gifts. Giving and getting is a moral challenge.

Currently I am thinking that the holiday season is an excellent time, amid the traditions and the activity, to recognize and do acts of kindness. Around the supper table or before turning the lights off at bedtime this week, think about talking about the gift of kindness – how we give it and how we receive it. Then spend the next three or four weeks at supper or bedtime sharing about the gifts of kindness you might have given or received. Here are some happenings that may occur:

helping without being asked;
smiles, hugs and hearing "thank you"
really thinking about a person's likes when gift selecting;
contributing to the Salvation Army red kettle at a store entrance;
shoveling a sidewalk before someone with less energy has to;
writing personal notes on holiday cards;
sharing holiday baking with a neighbor;
including names from the Sharing Tree at the Mall when gift shopping;
giving holiday cards to everyone in the family, sharing something specific you appreciate about them, and putting the cards under the tree, too;
finding stores to read that focus on kindness ( a personal favorite is "The Little Engine That Could" by Watty Piper);
renting movies that emphasize kindness;
deciding to volunteer together somewhere, somehow.

I saw a powerful ad recently. It reminded me that, in America, we are not required to offer food to the hungry, or shelter to the homeless, or to visit the lonely. We really don’t have to do anything for anybody. Still, over 80 million people in the United States do. Isn't that encouraging?

If you would like to talk about opportunities for family volunteering, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out http://www.familiesandcommunities.org/

Instilling Positive Values

2008-10-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

ASK MARYANNE
Maryanne Law is the Executive Director of the Parenting Resource Center

QUESTION: How do children grow up to be honest, kind, trustworthy, dependable and generous?

ANSWER: Talking about values with our kids is important. Ethics is actually the discussion of why and when we believe specific moral standards are important. There is no better place to have those discussions than around the dinner table, in the family room, or while driving in the car.

There is a great deal of psychological research that shows that people’s moral views develop in the same sequence. After twenty years of study, psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg defined six basic stages of moral development. First comes doing the right thing to avoid punishment by those who set the rules. Second comes doing something good to receive something good in return. Third comes doing something good for the approval of the group to which we belong. Fourth comes the willingness to accept the standards of the nation. Fifth comes the willingness to listen and understand the values of others in the world and the desire to work toward consensus or agreement. Sixth comes an active, personal commitment to justice, society’s welfare, the equality of human rights and respect for the dignity of individual human beings. While people progress through the stages in the same sequence, not everybody progresses through all the stages.

Where, as a family, we put our time, energy and money greatly influences our children’s moral development. What we affirm in our children’s development will also have a major impact. I remember my parents’ pleasure when I first chose to give a substantial portion of my own earnings to my church. I remember sending a check within an hour after both my grade school sons said we simply had to help at least two children in poverty overseas. I remember not reprimanding my college freshman when he told me he had given his second winter jacket away to a fellow on the street who looked miserably cold.

Encouraging moral development is a reason many families become volunteers in their community. Yes, they periodically need to change their routine some, but they also have an opportunity to talk as a family about their own blessings, people’s common needs, and the unfairness of life, as well as experience practical sharing, being friendly to people they don’t know, and putting the “golden rule” into action together.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in child raising, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. To find out about becoming a volunteer provider for short-term, free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out http://www.familiesandcommunities.org/