When Is Enough Enough?

QUESTION:  How do we get the message to our children that “enough is enough?”    

ANSWER:  Thankfully, the most important things for children, which are nurturing and structure, do not depend on finances.  How we save, how we spend and how we share, however, definitely communicates our values to our children.  I suppose we all have family memories about money. I consider myself very fortunate: my parents were generous with me.  However, my “receiving” was usually preceded by a discussion on “wants versus needs” or a lesson in options.  My mother, for instance, ushered me into the teen years of clothes buying by outlining two approaches to shopping. I had a limited amount of dollars.  I could choose to purchase one more expensive brand name outfit and wear it more often or I could choose to purchase less expensive clothes and have more variety. My mom and I also had a close relationship with the “alteration lady.” Most of my outfits were let out at the seams so I could wear them another year. I also remember the boxes of gently worn clothes that came periodically from friends “out east” who had a little more money then we did and  daughters a little older than myself.  It was my dad who always put quite a bit of time between my asking and my receiving. He was the one who also made sure than when I started earning my own money as a teenager that a tenth went to the church and something went into the savings account.

       

The concept of “enough” isn’t only about money, of course.  I like the story of the blessing  “I love you and I wish you enough.”  According to the family story, “I wish you enough” was said when one person wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them. The entire blessing is as follows: 

       “I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

        I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

        I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

        I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

        I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

        I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

        I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”

Personally, there is my favorite fortune cookie proverb:  “He who knows he has enough is rich.”

       

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9528. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

In Their Best Interests

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QUESTION: If you were to identify the things that adults do that are in the best interests of their children, what would they be? 

ANSWER:  Children thrive when the life-styles of the adults around them are positive and energizing.  If you’re doing these eight things, the kids in your life are on solid ground:

                  

• When you gather together with friends and family, to eat or socialize, talk about the things you are grateful for: family milestones, supportive friends, successful accomplishments at work, opportunities to learn something new, problems that have been solved.

• Think about the world beyond your home and workplace.  Be aware of your own strengths, talents, skills and advantages and spend some time sharing yourself with others.

• Minimize your financial worries by living within your means.  Make choices that challenge impulsive buying and immediate gratification. Learn to plan ahead and celebrate a bargain.  If you have a surplus, give some of it away.  (He who knows he has enough is rich.)

• Share experiences, not just things.  Remember that gifts are no substitute for relationship.

• Enjoy small pleasures.  An agony of those who are addicted is the inability to enjoy the repeated small pleasures and rewards of normal living.

• Avoid unnecessary competition.  Value the process as much as the product.  Cooperate with other people.  Expanding your range and increasing your depth may be more valuable than reaching the top.

• Consider your priorities.  Contemplate what you want to accomplish over your lifetime as well as what you need to do in the next few weeks.  Think of your calendar as representing your life, not just your obligations. 

• Focus on something spiritual everyday.  Internal strength and emotional stability come from spiritual wisdom, not physical activity or a high I.Q.  

     If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528.  For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599.  Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org  

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: Which is harder, the first months of kindergarten or the first months of college?

ANSWER: Fall is an exciting season for families. Kids of all ages are navigating the challenges of new starts: pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, high school and college. Interestingly, these cycles point up the truth that we don’t “grow up” in a straight line. Instead, our development as human beings is more like a spiral: we repeat similar experiences, each time with more understanding and skills.

Pre-school years (3-5 years of age) are crucial years of development both emotionally and intellectually for children. Two significant developmental tasks of these years go together: a child must begin to learn to separate from her parents and begin to learn give-and-take relationships with peers.

When a child is two years old, she is still very dependent on her parents. She circles around them the way a planet circles around the sun. By the time a child is three, however, the situation is changing. A child is now ready to begin to separate and have some experiences off on her own.

A pre-schooler is ready to spend more time playing with other children and learning to get along with kids her own age. She knows her parents accept her just as she is, simply because she is their daughter, but she soon perceives that boys and girls she meets are a different story. They do not give her an unqualified stamp of approval. At times, they even reject her.

So the preschooler begins to learn that the world of peers is different from home. It is a new world, with new rules and new demands. In this new world, the child learns a whole new set of socialization skills that she learns more effectively beyond the family circle. She learns how to wait her turn, how to stand up for her rights, how to share, how to put her feelings into words, how to develop self-confidence in handling other children. These are human relations skills she will use throughout life.

It isn’t difficult to see that the family separation and social interaction process goes on throughout school years and right into the workplace. The important thing for parents and grandparents to remember is that home and family is the place to venture forth from and come back to for affirmation, comfort and security. It is important to both hold our children close and to let them go. We start when they are little and keep practicing.

If you would like to talk about raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

ASK MARYANNE

QUESTION: I need some help in how to deal with my children positively over the summertime conflicts that are occurring in our household.

ANSWER: An important parenting skill to encourage or discourage specific behaviors involves modifying the environment. A child’s environment can be modified by adding to it, limiting it, or changing things around. Here are some examples:·

• Add to your children’s environment by enrichment – introducing materials or activities that engage your children’s interest: provide a new book or demonstrate a new use of an old toy.·


• Add to your children’s environment by enlargement – broaden the areas in which your children may play: going to the backyard or taking a trip to the park.·


• Limit your children’s environment by reducing a stimulus activity or removing a physical stimulus: no rough housing, removing crayons or turning off the TV.·


• Limit your children’s environment by restricting certain activities to certain areas: riding the tricyle only in the basement or using play dough only at the kitchen table.·


• Limit your children’s environment by simplifying - making it easier for your children to function independently and effectively: put a step stool in the kitchen, use a plate with a rim or hang a low towel rack.·


• Change your children’s environment by rearranging, displaying or storing items in your home to encourage or discourage certain behavior: store poisons up high, put toys on low shelves for easy access, or have a coat rack by the door.

These concepts can also be adapted for older children. Think creatively with your spouse or grandparent or another parent. What new activity or craft project could you teach your children this summer? Where could you go visit or explore for the first time? Are there periods of time during the summer hours that the TV needs to be off? How about being sure that the refrigerator and cupboards are stocked with healthy choices: fruits and prepared vegetables, mixed nuts, peanut butter and crackers, pudding cups and cheese slices? Then, a final reminder: adult monitoring and friendly involvement is the best way to modify a child’s behavior. We need to be alert in verbally affirming behavior we want to encourage and quick to interrupt behavior we find potentially distressing or dangerous, staying firm and calm ourselves.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-4343-9528. For free emergency child care, call the Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Why Have Television and Music Become So Violent?

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QUESTION: I’ve heard that whoever tells the stories defines the culture. It’s obvious that television and music are today’s storytellers in America. Why, though, have television and music become so violent?

ANSWER: While the important role of storytelling has remained constant for thousands of years, a monumental change has happened in the past 60 years. Since World War II, America has delegated the major share of storytelling to the mass media.

I am very impressed with David Walsh, President of the National Institute on Media and the Family. Walsh points out that while the goals of former storytellers were entertainment, education or inspiration, the primary goal of most mass media storytelling is to “deliver eyeballs to advertisers.” Much of mass media storytelling is now done to sell things.

That shift in purpose is a crucial one. It means that the purpose of the story is to get and hold our attention long enough for the advertisers to get their message in front of us. One of the things that reliably get people’s attention is violence; so do sex and humor. Therefore, we now have media messages that are designed to make us laugh at violence and sex. Many kids today spend hours and hours listening or looking at media messages that are full of vulgarity, degrade women and encourage the listener or viewer to blast people with guns.

The reshaping of our cultural norms is the real effect of the steady diet of violence and sex in movies, video games, song lyrics and television programs. The real harm done by the constant river of violent media is that it has created and nourished a culture of disrespect. For every kid who picks up a gun to shoot another kid, there are thousands who are not picking up guns. But, they are calling each other names, swearing, pushing, shoving and hitting with increasing frequency. The storytellers have redefined how we’re supposed to be treating one another. We’ve gone from “have a nice day,” to “make my day.”

This generation of children is exposed to more stories, more powerfully presented, than any in history. Some are good. Too many are not. We, as adults, have to make intentional decisions to reduce the viewing and listening to violent, sexual media stories. It is our responsibility to monitor our children’s viewing and listening choices, and our own.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Need Some Postitive Motivators?

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QUESTION: I am feeling depressed and pessimistic. I need some positive motivators!

ANSWER: Here are some positive thoughts. Focus on one a day for three weeks and see if life feels more productive.

· You may not feel powerful, but your smile can change someone’s day. Use your power.
· Actions speak louder than words. Say thank you and cooperate! Others will help you, too.
· Be an encourager. Tell some one else you like what he said or did. You’ll make his day.
· Turn lemons into lemonade. Say “I’m really sorry that happened” and change a problem into an opportunity.
· Ask 3 questions this week and really listen to the answers. You are smart and getting smarter every week.
· When you think of something nice to say, don’t hesitate to say it. You can make your world a friendlier place.
· Improving is better than perfection. Put you energy into trying and others will be pleased.
· Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for a friend is listening. You don’t have to have all the answers.
· If it hasn’t happened yet, it may not be the right time. There are good things coming.
· There are all kinds of birds and all kinds of songs. You are unique and special. Share what you are thinking.
· A good friend notices when someone else does well. Congratulate someone this week for doing well.
· Kind words and kind actions do not go unnoticed.
· When you know the right thing to do, do it right away!
· Lots of people like you and someone important to you is thinking about you right now.
· Forget about yesterday’s mistakes. Plan good things for today and tomorrow.
· Whatever you plant today, you will harvest a few months from now. Your good choices this week will pay off in the near future.
· Telling the truth is easier that living a lie. Do things this week that you’re happy to talk about.
· It doesn’t matter how high or wide the wall, if there is a door. You are a good problem solver. Think about finding the door through the next challenge you face.
· You have skills and talents. This week you will have a chance to show someone else how to do what you have already learned to do.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care, call the Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org

Prescription Medications and My Teen

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Question: As a parent, how do you get your child to take their prescription medication when they refuse? I want to allow my teenager to have a choice, but her choice is affecting the whole family as her anger comes out.

Response: While giving choices is a good parenting goal, health and safety are parenting priorities that require us to use our authority. The "bottom line" non-negotiable is that your teen must take his or her prescribed medication. The choice might be under whose supervision: a parent or the school nurse, for instance? Is the time of day or with certain food options a possible area for choice? I'm speculating that your teen does not like the side effect he/she experiences with the medication. A discussion with your teen and the teen's physician is important, so that your teen is able to verbalize his/her frustrations to the experienced professional who is potentially able to adjust dosages. In talking with your teen, you may want to say, "I understand that if you could have it your way, you would not take this medication. However, until you are an adult and paying for your own expenses, I am responsible for your health and safety. You are important to me and I will keep struggling with you about this because I want you physically and emotionally healthy." If you are interested in talking with another parent who has "walked this journey," please call the Parent WarmLine: 1-888-584-2204 and ask about Parent2Parent. Remember, brain development research shows that while we are intelligent when we are teenagers, our decision-making abilities are not fully matured until we are in our mid-twenties.